Son of Dowell - On the Prowl

The Worst Headache of My Life

2007-01-14T02:05:00.000-05:00

Today my mom suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm. She is lucky that the initial rupture did not kill her immediately. The next while is going to be difficult.

The Week Before Christmas

2006-12-24T00:54:00.000-05:00

The week before Christmas is basically the same every year; stressful, hectic, and cold. This year the former two have remained constant.

Last Sunday began with me finding out while at work that my brother Scott had a heart attack earlier that day. After a few hours of uncertainty my nerves were calmed when I spoke with my dad after he saw Scott. He assured me that Scott was ok and that the prognosis looked good. I was able to visit him when he got home on Wednesday. His angiogram indicated that there was little to no damage to his heart. He is expected to have a full recovery.

All everyone seems to be more on edge with each other than usual. But, I don't want to go into details about work. I spend enough time outside of working talking about it and thinking about it.

But speaking about work, tonight on the way home from it, I encountered the strangest 10 minutes of the week. I had only walked about 10 meters on the subway platform at Spadina station when I heard a woman start screeming. She was a middle age woman wearing clothes typical of someone who worked an office job for a living. I suppuse it could be referred to as 'business casual'. She immediately started some young man who was wearing headphones and had a camera in his hand. The camera was a moderately high tech model with a strap holding it onto the young man's hand. She went right for the camera screeming "how dare you take a picture in the TTC! Give it to me!" She ripped the lense off and it hit the ground.

The reflex to save a valuable accessory before it hits the ground was stolen by the woman's hysterical screeming. At this point she was full out attacking the young man. Dispite the intensity of the scene there was no real threat of danger felt. The young man had about 40 lbs on the woman, her fighting technique was utterly foolish (she had obviously had no idea how to really punch someone or anything like that that), and the young man had a passive disposition. Rather than become angry with this woman he tried to defend and stay out of her way.

She continued to screem about the camera and about how he had taken a picture. I'm unsure what she was really getting at because her hysteria was completely unorganized and blinded by rage. But, perhaps she was upset because he took a picture of her. Whether he did or not is unknown.

But the strangest moment came as the train was pulling into the station. The woman was still hitting the young man, screeming about the camera, and struggling with him. Everytime it seemed like she was finished she would turn around after a couple of steps and attack him again! When the lights of the train broke the darkness of the tunnel revealing its hidden detail the woman became completely transparent: she was thinking about pushing him in front of the train. Her back was to the tracks. She grabbed him and made a move toward the wall.

My whole body became tense. I could feel the anxiety take over my muscles. I moved all of my weight to the front of my feet. My mind was on one thing only: intercept the woman if she gains a beat on him. My lanky body can cover a short distance surprisingly quickly and I was withing striking range.

But as I said, he was quite a bit bigger than her and she didn't seem like she really knew what the hell she was doing. She never gained a beat on him. He quickly stepped backwards away from her. It was obvious right away that she never really had her heart set on murdering this young man.

The train came to a stop. The woman walked away from the young man and entered the train. They entered different doors of the same car but, strangely enough (and thankfully enough) she no longer pursued him. It was as if nothing had ever happened as far as the other passengers were concerned.

One stop later, these two fuckin hammered white girls come onto the train. Everything about them was sloppy. They were obviously very intoxicated, the one girl was coughing and sputtering loudly and in a terribly uncivilized manner, and they were both under-dressed for the weather, wet (it was raining outside).

They immediately made a scene. While hanging from the ceiling bars in the train they both started screeming rude slurrs in Jamaican patois. Every time they'd say "Bumbaclott! Fuckin bumbaclott!" and then follow it up with "what I bet you didn't know a white girl knew how to say things like that." Whenever anyone looked at them they'd become aggressive in an adolescent kind of way saying things like "I'd box that chick out if she hadn't just got off the train."

Needless to say I was relieved when the train got to my stop.

So, as you can see there's definitely Christmas spirit in the air.

I'm terrible at blogging! (part 2)

2006-12-15T00:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've had this blog for about a year now and how many posts do you think that I've written? Well, the answer is 18. What a shitty record!

That averages out to one every 20 days or so. However, if my readers are attentive enough, they'd realize that I have in no way written once every 20 days or so. I seem to post in spirts. I think my last post before yesterday was done in March (or something equally ridiculous). Anyhow, if anyone is still reading, please be patient with me.

Also, as I'm sure many of you have noticed already (or maybe not... I'm not too sure how many people have actually read my blog) it is full of fuckin grammatical errors. See, I have this bad habit of hardly ever reading over what I've written. So, if you come across any of these embarrassing little errors, please don't laugh too hard at me.

I'm terrible at blogging!

2006-12-13T17:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, one only needs to look at the date of my last post to see that I'm terrible at blogging. My first indication should have been that I never kept any sort of diary when I was younger (or now for that matter). It's not that I have any negative feelings towards such activites, I just don't seem to participate in them.

But, I intend to remain faithful to my promise to Jenocide, therefore this blog entry.

What have I been doing these day? Well, I've been writing for the union's magazine. In a nutshell, the magazine is fiarly shitty. The articles are not very interesting and the Local's membership is indifferent towards the publication on the whole. But, I have taken it upon myself (as I mentioned in an earlier entry) to take up the pen (in this case the keyboard) and do my part. I have many thoughts on this matter, however, I will save it for another day.

Other than that, I've been playing the guitar again! I've realized how much I missed it. 521 is a fuckin explosion of guitar shreds and rock n' roll genius between Jordi (my new roommate) and myself. Fuckin crazy man! He works at an awesome guitar shop as a guitar salesman, which means for me that the house is full of wicked fuckin Gibson SG's, Fender Telecasters, and even a Jazzmaster! There's lots of pedals and effects to tinker with. Man. I'm in heaven!

I think that 521 really ought to form a band. The band would be an exploration of post-modernity. To acheive this aim we would dismantel, piece by piece, the theoretically sound structure of rock music and attempt to put it all back together! Shit, maybe I should start growing my hair long now!

back y'all.

2006-05-23T15:41:00.000-04:00

Ok, so how fuckin long has it been since I last updated this blog?! Ages, that's how long. Just now I was reading over my last post and so much has happened since.

First off, I have long ago made my move to leave Mayday Malone's. It has been about a month or so. Enough said on that matter.

Second, I'm working a hell of a lot more at The Beer Store. This has been both good and bad. It is good insofar as I no longer have to work in that shitty kitchen. It is also good in that I how get days off. Prior to that, working 7 days a week was regular. However, it is bad because... well, lets face it: though working at The Beer Store is a pretty good job, it has its definite draw backs. It has become just like every other job.

I'm just happy that the weather is getting nicer. Spending the holiday Monday at High Park with Michelle, though a little colder than I had hoped, was awesome all the same! If these days are any indication of how the rest of the summer is going to be, then i'm psyched. I'm also psyched because I purchased a used VHS of the 1992 classic Juice starring Tupac and Omar Epps. I Caaaaaan't wait to watch it.

Hmmmmmm

2006-03-16T00:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, so there has been a slight snag. If you remember, I have been campaigning to get into an internship program offered by the UFCW, the United Food and Commercial Workers. Being an employee of The Beer Store implies that I am represented by this union. Say what you will of the unions fairweather approach to political strategy, working for them is great. This is my first unionized job and, I must say, so far it is the best job that I have ever had. But, I digress.

Recently I was notified that I was not accepted into the the program this year. The explanation that I have been given is that my local did not move fast enough to nominate me. Basically, the application process required a few writing samples, filling out some application forms, and most importantly a nomination from my local, Local 12R24. This, you must understand, is the formal process. But, what is required in order to get nominated by the local is a serious campaign to become known to them. Considering that I am a relatively new employee, I had my work cut out for me. I don't want to toot my own horn or anything but I did a fairly good job at this aspect. I managed to have several meetings with personale of various rank within the union hierarchy. But, when it came down to the wire (timing wise) I did not have enough done. The local didn't make a final decision on my behalf until it was too late. Consequently, nobody from my local will even be participating this round; which, if you ask me, is a huge disappointment.

So, I am faced with a new problem: where do I go from here? I think that I should maybe move into the arena of writing. The local has it's own magazine that is in both print and digital form. Another area that I have been considering is this program that the union runs to promote education of unionism and trade-union politics called Talk Union. In a nutshell I'll first get trained by the union. Second, I'll get to go to various high schools and run seminars. I think that I'd be pretty effective at doing this considering that dispite my 25 years of wisdom accumulation, I still look like I'm about 18 years old.

All in all, I'd like to get some experience organizing. So, what do you, O faithful Son of Dowellers think of my situation?

Time goes by quickly when you're working all the fuckin time!

2006-03-08T01:54:00.000-05:00

Time goes by quickly when you're working all the fuckin time! Just now I looked at the date of the last post; it was weeks ago. Work has been hecktic. I feel that I cannot justify to myself not taking all of these hours that are being offered to me. Though, I must say it feels good. I really like to have a lot of things to do. It makes me really enjoy my time off.

Take for example this evening. It was great. I chilled with my buddy Stevan for a while and played chess. The games were great. Of the two, I won one. The ther game was a draw. We discussed moving in together. My current roommate has given me his two monthes notice. This comes as no surprise. But, Stevan living here would be fuckin awsome! I think that it will inject new life into the 521 massive. The house will be abuzz with chess, computers and talk of high tech. Philosophy meets the microchip. It'll be like a throw back to the Miller days.

I hope that he ends up moving in.

Oh, also, again, I will make a concerted effort to write more regularly.

I never did like the tast of Keiths.

2006-02-18T02:51:00.000-05:00

What do YOU have on YOUR computer?

I'm in touch, virtually, with everyone I know!

2006-02-16T02:37:00.000-05:00

What a strange night this evening was. It was an active social evening yet, I didn't leave my room. I spoke with a friend from work, played several games of chess with Kristy and Michelle, and had a lengthy and stimulating conversation with Scott; yet, I never saw any of them. I suppose this is what they call the digital age. You can be in touch, virtually, with everyone you know! Pun intended. Though I have greater access to the minds of my friends be they in Ireland, England, down the street, in the next room, or whatever, I seem them far less often than ever. Who do I see? What kind of social spheres do I exist in? Well, I'll tell you this much: they are all increasingly virtual.

:)

2006-02-13T13:28:00.000-05:00

This is a special post. It is the first post composed on my new computer! I am now the proud owner of a sexy laptop computer. I feel so hooked up.

Frogger With My Life

2006-02-08T18:00:00.000-05:00

The stream of customer's just finished. "Hey Steve, some idiot walked out of here without taking any of his change".
"How much is there?" replied Steve.
"$3.95" I said.
"Sounds like two coffees to me" said Steve.
"I like the way you think" I said.

It was 12:20pm, only twenty minutes after opening the store. Every Sunday the same thing: people line-up for 45 minutes to get beer.
Steve would usually say something like"Should I let these assholes in?"
"Yeah. Migh as well" is my usual reply.
Steve goes over and unlocks the door. The door opens. "Ding". There is something maddening about that audio cue. Everytime the door opens; "Ding!". Ding, someone is here; ding, pay attention to me; DING! The thought of being subjected to that kind of enviornment for any extended period of time makes me think of killing myself. The repetition of it is insane.

However, what I fear most about it is the thought that maybe someday I will get used to the 'ding' everytime the door opens. That will be the moment that I lose my sanity. I will no longer be able to tell the difference between work and non-work. My job will have taken over my life. I think some people when faced with monotony and lack of stimulation for long enough, they simply give up. I'm not sure how else to explain it. I can hear it most distinctly in the manager's voice. It is the easiest to pick up when he answers the phone. He'll pick up the phone, wait for a second, let out a faintly audioble "sigh" and say with a slight drawl that smacks of boredom "(mm)Beer Store, R* speaking".

"How do you take your coffee?" I say as I walk out the door.
"Cream and sweetener"answers Steve.
As I move closer to the door, the electronic eye picks-up my movement. The door automatically opens. Ding!

It's colder outside than it looks. I should have worn my jacket. The moment immediately made me think of the resentment that I felt towards my mother when I was a little kid. "Craig, it's cold outside. You're wearing your boots and your winter hat" she would say to me. Why didn't she understand that none of the cool kids did that. Fuck man, I just wanted to wear my beaten up Chicago White Sox baseball cap, not my stupid woolen hat with a dumb looking pom pom on the top. That was around the same time that I realized that what she didn't know, didn't kill her. So, when I felt that it was necessary, I would take the liberty of changing into my shoes on the way to school and put on that awsome black White Sox cap. Everyday that I didn't this I froze. She was almost always right when it came to those sorts of things. And now I think: she successfully made me think of those lessons years later. I still recognize their relevance. All I can say is "Well played".

I run across the street. It is a particularly dangerous strip of road. Crossing it makes me think of Bad Religion's Frogger because I am doing, essentially, the same thing. "I'm goin down the boulivard, playing frogger with my life. Frogger with my life! Frogger with my life!"

My mind is wandering like usual. As I walk on the far side of the street from the Beer Store, I am not very far from the Coffee Time. I think of the community and how being a Beer Store employee is an intergral part of the community. I think about how much I'd love to get this internship in the union. I think of the role of the UFCW in its greater historical context, and whether or not there is a revolutionary potential there. I quickly conclude that there presently is not one.

"Hi, can I have two large coffees please. One with one cream and sweetner the other black."
"No sugar?" inquired the attractive middle-aged Filipino girl on the other side of the counter.
"No sugar. Just black." I answer.

I've been discovered!

2006-02-08T13:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, I should have known that sooner or later I'd be discovered by you guys. The ground has been feeling a little cold lately has it not?! I must say, writing in this blog has been an enjoyable experience. I really like going about my day casually thinking about my next entry. I can see why you guys have been keeping them for so long. I never thought that I'd miss writing so much now that I'm finished school.

in a rut

2006-02-02T12:22:00.000-05:00

For the last couple of days I feel as though I am in some kind of a rut. But, perhaps 'rut' isn't the best word to describe it. These days I am feeling bored. At this point in my life I have a lot of energy and I am eger to get involved but, I am always shut out of doing anything remotley interesting or useful. It's not a matter of getting a job - I already have a couple. But, are jobs not the most boring thing in the world?!

2006-01-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me! Shit man, 25 years old. I think that a good time was had by all last night. My friends came down to my place from uptown and got me hammered. Today was, I must admit, a little difficult to get started. Regardless, I had a blast.

I don't know why, but there is definitely something cathartic about getting hammered occasionally. The intoxication that comes with drinking booze is somewhat nihilistic in character. Where comsumption of other sorts of drugs often has an expiriy to the high, booze gets you drunk until you literally fall asleep. It's like, once you start, there is no stopping. You aren't going to sober up until the next morning. And, through the drunkin evening, you lose much of your decision making capacity. Yes, you can literally make decisions, however, the responsibility involved in the decision making is retarded. But, this is nothing new. This is nothing that everyone doesn't already know. Everyone has, or will, get drunk and do something stupid. What I am interested in here is how you can become a different person. Some people who have relatively peaceful and mild-mannered dispositions become beligerent, or bombastic, or aggressive, or .... or ... or.... In other words, who you were disappears and someone new comes into being.

Is there not something totally re-juvinating in this experience? I think so. I feel that it is good for me. In a way, my mind feels a little clearer. It's almost as if last night I was able to exercise some of my demons. What has become born out of the destructive night of drinking is a new sort of life affirmation. The sun seems a little brighter today. The weather seems to be a little more pleasant.

2006-01-25T12:26:00.000-05:00

My slightly empty stomach seems to be so appropriate to my disposition. The feeling is slightly acidic and rather hallow. My mood is not dissimilar.

ok, so it's been a while...

2006-01-19T16:03:00.001-05:00

Ok, so it's been a while since I last wrote. Well, times are busy! Between the Beer Store, the kitchen, and (sch)Mixer, I have been spread a little thin these days. I'm sure that soon I will find something more permanent. I am feeling optimistic.

What I really want is to work in the Beer Store Local, and, it seems that this may be a possibility in the comning months. So far I have spoken to a few of the union members. Though I have made only a few contacts so far, I have found out some interesting things. Apparently, about a year ago or so, the local decided to initiate a Youth Committee. So far it has not been emacted. However, my recent conversations seem to have given new life to the idea. The internship would involve training in all aspects of running a local! This is the path for me to take. For so long I have been involved with the world on a theoretical level. I am excited to get down to work.

I think that if I play my cards well, I'll be able to land the position. The campaign has begun!

The Joys of Contemplation

2005-12-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

I can't remember exactly where I first encountered it (I think maybe it was Hegel) but the idea that the highest human activity is contemplation. When you can aimlessly (or aimfully) let your thoughts wander in and out of a thousand different knoocks and crannys, over a Thousand Plateaus (thanks for that one Deleuze and Guattari!) and back again.

Some times I like to think of it as something similar to fishing. One 'casts off' one's reflective gaze, the apparatus by which things are made known to one's self. Then, it is slowly dragged back in. The hook encounters a seemingly infinite amount of objects. Some of the objects are predictible while others are not. This is like finding out striking things about your self: being surprised at how you feel intuitively about certan situations, or how other sorts of mental symbols 'strike a chord' with your emotional disposition. Some times, just sometimes, you come up with something big - like a fish!

Staying In

2005-12-13T21:15:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am staying in. It is far too cold outside to do anything. However, I am by no means put off by the thought of staying in. In fact, I am quite excited. I think that I'll start (or rather continue) reading Hegel. My good friend Shiv, like usual, come to me with a great idea: to read The Philosophy of Right. Maybe, just maybe, I'll start a new game of Civilizations III.

shit... I think that I let a little of the Maglomania out!

The Depression that Comes with Being a Cook.

2005-12-09T00:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, as you may or may not already know, I work as a cook in a sports bar. To call it simply a sports bar doesn't describe it accurately. What has happened is that the bar, with distinctly Irish name, has come to be owned by Portuguese and Italian men. So, the menu is a rather crude mish mash of traditional bar food (in all of its deep fried glory) as well as a fairly extensive list of pastas and pizzas. The bar, desctibes itself as a 'pub style Italian eatery'. I think that the discription is fairly accutate.

Fortunately for me, the place is not very busy. Sure it has its moments, but on the whole it functions at a rather leisurely pace. The slowness of the pace affords me much time for observation. Almost every night I'm amazed. Some people who frequent these establishments have no fuckin concern whatsoever for the people who work there. Personally, I blame a childish consumerist ethic present in modern western culture. Some customers think of themselves as the only important existing thing. To them, they seem to occupy the center of the earth's gravitational pull.

I cannot help but compare the child who walks in one direction and looks in another to the angry customer (or guest if you are ever so unfortunate to work in a franchised restaurant like Jack Astors or Montana's, Kelsey's etc.) who, in a moment of what can only be described as a true and bone fied temper tantrum, cannot wrap her/his head around the existing mechanics of the restaurant. Both the child and the consumer are convinced that their interpretation of the world is the only existing one. The child, however, can learn from her/his mistakes. When she/he is walking down the street, looking one way and walking the other, a near collision is usually followed by her/his' parent's immediate scolding. A tug on the wrist in conjunction with "Watch where you're going!" is usually enough. Unfortuantely for our consumerist customer, this sort of help is not always available (maybe acceptable is a better word).

Here, the ruling logic, a logic that in my sad opinion has reached near hegemonic levels, is one that unconditionally appeases the temper tantrum. The customer who demands her/his pizza immeidately in the packed bar is almost always given a bad sort of attention. What is so bad about it is that it perpetuates a one-sided view of things. "Let me check on the pizza" is the usual response to the impatient demand. Followed, is a bee-line is a to the kitchen, dodging the plethora of customers encountered along the way.
"Where's the fuckin North Ender Pizza?"
"It's coming out of the oven right now. Is something wrong?"
"Yeah, some asshole is complaining that it's taking too long. Why is it taking so long?"
"Well, it's cuz the kitchen is working to capacity at the moment. We are overwhelmed with orders." Isn't it obvious?
"Well, just, they want it to-go now... and just... get it out!"

See what is happening here? When faced with an irrational consumer demand, ie. 'I want it and I want it now!' is simply reinfored by an apologetic disposition. "I'm sorry about the wait. The cook has been reprimanded." Why is this sort of behaviour, not only accepted, but also reinforced? Why should people be encouraged to make unreasonable demands, demands that make sense to them and them only? It seems as though the child who walks one way and looks another is treated like more of an adult than the customer. The child's actions are challenged. The fault of their actions are made clear immediately. The child's world of illusion is broken. The bubble is popped. The customer, however, is continuously allowed to remain in her/his dream world. The mechanics of the restaurant, though fully existant, are allowed to simply fall into irrelevance. Why are they not scolded for foolish behaviour?

I think that this sort of culture requires a shock. Something that will 'shake shake shake all the sillys out'. Something that will get people to "Wake up and smell the coffee", or give'em "A good kick in the ass", or any other expression of the sort could be used here.... I'll leave it up to you to decide which is most appropriate.

I guess you gotta start somewhere...

2005-12-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

I feel so much pressure starting this blog. I have toyed with the idea of blogging for some time now. However, I have had some difficulty in thinking up a theme for the blog. The pressure does not seem to come from a lack of ideas, but rather it comes from not knowing how to present myself in this particular medium. As funny as it sounds, up until (and including) now I have experienced an existential delima whenever I begin creating a blogger account. How could I possibly present myself in this particularly finite medium? What (or whom) am I leaving out whenever I publish something? How does the fact of my being in blog form relate to my intuited being?

Well, I suppose that you can already see where my head is at these days: in an over analytical space.

Though, despite the pressure that it incures, I am confident that my thinking will lead me in the correct direction; when I say "the correct direction" I mean the direction that will lead me to a happy and just existence.

However, as for now, I'm just interested to see how I create myself in this strange digital form!